I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
