Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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