she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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