Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
