and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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