i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
