DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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