i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
