i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
you inspire me to be a worse person
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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