Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
