i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
