Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
