proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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