A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
