um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
