I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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