It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I FOUND THE LEGS
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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