Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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