I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
