I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
