How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
