Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
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