it's too hot outside to masturbate.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
