please come you make the beer taste better
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
