someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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