i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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