Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
