I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
