i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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