I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
