I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
