He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
how drunk are you?
Several
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
