ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
