i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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