He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
