I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
