Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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