I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
