this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
