i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
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Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
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did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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