just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
