I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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