I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
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