i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
