Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
