My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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