You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
