What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
