why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
