She is in my trunk
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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