The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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