shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
