the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
