i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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