My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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