She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
