my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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