Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
